Ashes
by perhapsiwould
Summary: The events in 2x10 take a slightly different turn, causing Sam to come to terms with his feelings, but he may be too late.


"_I hope you're enjoying this," Andy said from the passenger side._

"_Yeah, why's that?"_

_She looked over at Sam, a smirk playing on her face. "Well, me and you, driving fast, chasing bad guys…"_

Sam sat in the waiting room of the hospital, his foot bouncing up and down on the tile floor. He had heard no word since he'd arrived an hour before, and it was getting harder to sit there as the minutes rolled by. They hadn't allowed him to ride in the ambulance with her, needing all of the available space to work on her. The paramedics had to pry him away from her, only having to fight him for a few seconds before he realized they had to do their job to save her. When it came to Andy, his head was never clear even if she was safe and sound right in front of him, but this situation made it all the more worse.

He felt something nudge his hand and looked up to see Oliver holding a Styrofoam cup of coffee out for him to take. The last thing he needed was more caffeine to make him antsy, but he was going to stay up until they came out with news about Andy. Reaching out to take it, he turned his gaze back to the doors that the nurses were coming in and out of, knowing that's where his answer would be coming from. He vaguely registered that Oliver took the empty seat next to him.

"You know you did everything right today, right?" he asked, trying to comfort his friend. Oliver knew Sam and Andy didn't have the typical rookie and training officer relationship, even in the beginning. Anyone with eyes could see it as plain as day. But now that Andy wasn't really a rookie anymore, he'd seen them get closer and closer until they'd reached this point.

Sam scoffed, his eyes still fixated on the door, bringing the cup to his lips. He hated the burn it gave him in the back of his throat, because it meant that the situation was real. It meant he wasn't in one of his bad dreams where she was in danger, and he could just wake up. It was real, and she was back there, and he didn't know how to stop it. "That's not comforting at all. It means that this was always going to happen, and I couldn't stop it."

"Look, Sammy, bad things happen. It comes in the job description. You both made your own calls today, and the doctors are doing everything they can. Just don't start taking it out on yourself."

"I should've been there."

_Chris looked around at the open space. "What about Andy?"_

"_She's down the road with the victim in the other car," Sam said, grabbing his radio. "Keeping her stable until medics arrive. McNally, you good?"_

_His radio crackled. "Copy. Yeah. Everything's under control."_

He knew if he'd been there, it never would've led to this. Leaving Andy to deal with the victim of the crash alone was his first mistake of that day. _You always back up your partner._ And he'd just left her. He knew he could trust her to do everything herself, but she couldn't control everything that was happening, only herself. She couldn't have known the jack would collapse as she was pushing Leslie out of the car and pin her beneath the steering column. Leslie had told him that if it weren't for her, she'd have burnt up. Now, it was Andy's life that hung in the balance.

"There was a little boy missing, and you knew Andy could handle it. You couldn't have known the car was going to go up," Oliver tried to reason.

"You three could've handled the search just fine," Sam said, his voice raising as he stood. "I should've gone back for her once you guys got there!"

Oliver stood up, getting eye level with Sam. "You can't start with all this 'should have' crap. We followed protocol to the tee, and someone got hurt—Andy got hurt. But Sammy," he said, trying to get him to see reason, "it was not your fault."

_The sight he was met with when he made it back to the road almost made him drop the child he was carrying. The firefighters were still putting out the last few embers of the burnt up car. Handing off the boy for Oliver to take, his mind immediately went to Andy. She wasn't standing around anywhere, and he realized she hadn't made radio contact since he'd last checked on her._

"_Andy!" he yelled as he searched for her in the small crowd of paramedics and firefighters. "Andy!" He made his way to the first ambulance, and watched as a pair of feet slid past the door as the gurney was pushed in. "Andy!" He knew his face dropped when he saw it was the victim from the car. "Leslie, where's Andy?"_

"_She saved my life," she said as they put the oxygen mask over her face. "I would've died if she hadn't pushed me out."_

"_Hang on, guys," he said, stepping up into the ambulance, slightly removing her mask for a second. "Where did she go?"_

_Leslie shakily raised her hand to point at the other ambulance as the doors of it shut. He jumped out immediately, making his way over. "Andy!" Tunnel vision set in as he climbed out of the first ambulance and made way over to the other. As soon as he felt hands tugging at his arms, he fought against the hold. He needed to get to her, needed to make sure she was there and real and okay._

"_Sir, you have to let them do their job," he heard one of them say._

"_You have to let me in there! She's my…" He trailed off as he looked at them wrapping her in gauze, attaching things to her skin and putting an oxygen mask on her. _What is she? _He knew how he felt, and he knew how they were together. He knew the dread in his heart was the realest thing he'd ever felt, and it was all because of her. "Partner."_

"_I got this." Oliver pulled him back way from the ambulance and over to his and Andy's squad car. "You can't do this right now. They have to do their jobs, and you have to do yours."_

_Sam couldn't believe that Oliver was trying to do this now. "Andy's in there, and I can't just…"_

_Oliver held up his hand. "You can, and you will. Go to the station, file the report, and then go to the hospital. There's nothing you could do but sit there and wait anyway." Sam started to protest again, but Oliver cut him off. "Sam! You can't help her. They can, so let them."_

_By that time, the sirens on the ambulance were sounding as it drove by the squad car, and Sam watched it until it was out of view. Pushing off the car, he didn't spare Oliver a glance as he got in the car and drove it back to the station. He went through the motions for the next hour, filling out the accident report, not really paying attention to anyone else. He had two things to do. He had to breathe, and he had to get to Andy._

Sam sighed, his shoulders slumping as he sat back down in the chair, his foot tapping against the tile floor again. "If I'd known the car was going to catch on fire…"

"Yeah. If you'd known, she'd be fine, but you couldn't have known. There's no point in beating yourself up about it now."

"Maybe if I'd radioed her…" He kept trying to come up with a way that _he_ could've changed things. Something he could've done differently to change the outcome of the day. Something he might've changed that would have him having a drink at the Penny instead of hospital coffee. Something he should've done to keep her safe and not in the emergency room.

"You were miles out and never would've made it to her in time." A hand fell to Sam's shoulder, and he looked up. "You can do this all night long, but it's not going to change what happened."

"Is anyone here for Leslie Atkins and Andy McNally?"

Sam shot out of his chair leaving Oliver behind, who gladly stayed seated. It had been almost two hours since the paramedics had taken her, and he was thankful to finally have some news. "Yeah. I'm Sam Swarek. I'm her…" The pause came again, still unsure of what to call himself anymore. "Partner. I'm her partner."

"Come with me. We'll talk somewhere a bit more private," the nurse said, a neutral look on her face, but Sam could see past it.

"Here's fine," he said, trying not to let the worry slip into his voice.

The nurse sighed, reaching out to touch his arm. "There's no easy way to say this. Sir, the burns she received from the car… They were too much for her body to take. She's… She's gone."

Sam's stomach dropped, sure he hadn't heard the nurse right. There was no way Andy was gone. He was sure he'd know it if something bad happened to her, but the look on the nurse's face told him that the sinking feeling he'd had in his gut since Oliver had pulled him from the ambulance was just that. He put his hand on her shoulder as a pain he'd never felt rushed through him. The room was too hot, and it was difficult to breathe. His head was swimming with words unsaid and stolen glances that would be no more.

"Sir, I'm so sorry."

Her voice sounded muffled through the ringing in his ears. He stood up straight, trying to keep himself in check, not willing to do any type of breakdown in the waiting room. That wasn't him. He took a few steady breaths and tried to focus, his head still spinning from disbelief.

"And…uh…Leslie," Sam asked, finally able to find a little of his voice.

"She didn't make it, either. An embolism got into her bloodstream and reached her lungs. There was nothing we could do."

Sam let out a shuddered breath. The woman Andy had worked so hard to save hadn't made it, either. She never would have. The awful thought that Andy died for nothing crept into his mind and nested there, unwilling to move. "Can I… Can I see Andy?"

The nurse started to shake her head but seeing the look of despair on Sam's face stopped her. "I can give you ten minutes."

His legs felt like weights as the nurse led him to a room through the doors. The time passed like seconds and hours all at once, and when he saw her lying in the bed, he wanted to press rewind and start over. He heard the nurse close the door to give him privacy, moving to the bedside without realizing it.

Her hair was matted with sweat and blood, and he wondered if it was hers. She looked completely fine, but he knew the damage was lower, and the lack of movement in her chest made it all the more real that she was gone. His hand moved to brush her hair away of its own accord, not wanting it to obscure any part of her face.

"Andy…" His mind felt slow and fast all at once, waiting for a response but knowing one would never come. "Andy, I'm sorry. I did everything right, and you still… You're my…" Sam found himself wondering if she'd heard him call her his partner before she left for the hospital. There was no way that he could define her as just his partner, and he didn't want that to be what she left the world thinking she was to him. "I should've told you all along."

He kept waiting for her to open her eyes and tell him it was just a joke, that she'd never been in any danger at all, and they could go for a drink at the Penny together where she'd buy them all for even trying this. But she continued to lay there, and the dread continued to spread from the inside out, and he laid his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes and letting himself pretend that she was still there, and just sleeping.

It felt like days before the nurse came to get him, and once again, he felt like he was just going through the motions. One foot would go in front of the other as his breath came when he forced it to. Before he knew it, he was sitting next to Oliver again, looking back at the doors he'd just come from.

"Sam?"

"She's gone." His voice came surprisingly easy, and he equated it to the fact that he was now numb.

Oliver's hand went to his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Sam…"

"I lost her, Oliver…" He forced another breath in and out. "I lost her before I even got the chance to have her."

"_This really might be the last time we do this together."_


End file.
